Faith's Journey to Hope, Part 3: The Voice of Hope

(So excited that Diane is sharing today's post. This is not just my story, it's ours. Love ya friend!)

“You need to be careful, after all, you don’t even really know this person.”
“ Remind me, how did you connect with her again?”
“ Isn’t 10 days a little long? Are you sure about this?”

Those were just a few of the loving questions of concern I was met with the day I told my close friends that Joy was coming to visit me. Isn’t it a shame that we live in a society where we have to challenge our hearts and motives? As much as I appreciated their care and interest, never once did I doubt the motive of Joy's visit. I had been given perfect peace about the timing, length and purpose of her trip. Let me take you back to the beginning of my story.

I met Joy when I joined an on line blog with Proverbs31 Ministries. I was amazed that because of one woman's commitment to read through the bible in a year, “Faith” met “Hope”. Every day I would go to this blog and read the comments from precious women who were daily seeking God's heart. We became a circle of friends. We shared in each others everyday lives. The only thing missing was physically meeting eye-to-eye.

As the months went by and this group grew closer, I felt led to pray and petition for many of my new friends. I purchased a new pink journal where I recorded their names, as well as their “blog” names. Before I knew it, I had filled page after page with prayers and praises for them and their loved ones. These women were from all around the world. Kristen from California, Lori from Arizona, Nancy from Missouri, Channa from the Bahamas, and the list goes on. We all connected because of one woman, Wendy from North Carolina, who simply said, “Yes God, I’ll commit to facilitate this study.”

When Wendy needed to travel for a speaking engagement or take time away, although seldom done, she would ask Joy to fill in for her. That is when I think I really connected with Joy.

I had met her on the blog, loved reading her comments, and found her insight amazing. I also knew that during this time her heart was heavy for her daddy. You see, he was very sick and Joy asked for a lot of prayer for him. I remember praying continually for her dad. As time went on, her dad's condition worsened. All of us were praying daily for God to show Joy, and her loved one, evidence of His mighty hand.

I would pop in and out on Joy’s blog, leaving her notes to try and let her know she wasn’t alone. Others did the same and there was such a bond with this particular group of women, that words fail to give it justice. Over the next year Joy and I would write back and forth. As I reflect now, I think God was planting roots in our hearts.

Several of us planned to meet at the She Speaks Conference in North Carolina last summer, but Joy was not able to attend. I felt led to be her eyes. I took pictures for her and narrated the entire trip. It was funny how I would seem to capture pictures of the exact people Joy knew and wanted to see without her even asking. Since that time she has revealed to me how precious it was that I sacrificed the time to do this for her. It made her feel so special...almost as if she was there.

Now, let's return to our present adventure. Joy has already started you on the journey, but there are two things, that out of love she has not revealed to you yet. Through all of this I was going through a divorce. I also live with some disabilities. These details don't matter, except that if I omit mentioning them I will rob the Lord of countless praises and fail to let you see the many wonders of His mighty love for me!

Faith's Journey to Hope, Part 2: God's Provision

“I'm praying for you my friend, but is there anything else I can do?” My question was filled with longing to minister to a need. I waited to hear how I could put action to my prayerful petitions.

“What time is your flight arriving?”

It was this response that echoed in my heart time after time. It was this answer that quenched anxiety and fueled faith. It was this reply that called me from complacency to courage and turned timidity into triumph. It was discovering that there are times when love trumps fear.

Longing to visit my friend, I began to pray for God to make a way. Many of you know that I am a white-knuckle airline traveler, yet I told the Lord I was willing to get on a plane if He asked it of me. Never had I felt such a pull to surrender all my inadequacies for the sake of another. Not only did I want to go visit Diane, I wanted to be there...now. Releasing the timing to the Lord was hard. Would He bring it about quickly? Surely He saw the need. Surely He would intervene. I would trust in Him.

Not long after I was sitting with a friend at Bible Study. She was excited as she shared about her upcoming trip to Florida. She and her husband were going to have a couple of weeks in the sunny South. They were leaving soon and driving down for a holiday. As I listened, a question formed in my mind and burst out of my mouth before I could contain it.

“You wouldn't want to drop me off in Virginia would you?”

Her immediate response: “Sure, no problem”.

As I was half joking with my question, I assumed she too was joking with her response. It seemed too easy.

Five days later I “happened” to see her again. Her first question to me was, “Did you really want to go to Virginia?”

Did I really want to go? Oh, I'd been praying for nothing else. Yes, I wanted to go!

Then, it was settled. She had already spoken with her husband and they would be happy to provide my transportation. My friend was thrilled to know that God was using them as an answer to my prayer. It would take us twelve hours to drive to Virginia and they were thinking of stopping there the first night anyway. They would 'throw me out' of the car at a designated destination and Diane could pick me up. Within minutes the plan was put in place.

I remember sending Diane a quick e-mail saying, “Friend...I hope you were serious...'cause I'm coming down!”

Within 24 hours I had rescheduled two weeks of appointments and agenda in order to take care of things while I was away. Every detail fell into place. My son received his driver's license and would have my car for transportation while I was gone. My husband was so supportive of this trip and encouraged me to go. I was able to arrange two weeks of Bible study in my absence and found a replacement for teaching Sunday School. Not one detour or roadblock appeared. Confirmation of God's hand on this timing.

I was as giddy as a young school girl. I had never taken a holiday by myself...ever! The adventure was about to begin!

Faith's Journey to Hope, Part 1: Unwrapping Hope

“Good morning there sweetie,
Would you join me this morning for a cup of virtual tea?
We can just sit and enjoy each other as we wait for your results.
I would like to hear all about your life, family and what it is like to live in Canada.
I will share my life with you.
We can share all the blessings God has given us.
If at any time we need them, there is is a box of tissues beside us. We can use them for tears of fear or laughter.
Near the tissues is a Bible, ready to lead us to any of God's words as He directs.
There is my hand, ready to hold and my arms are ready to hug.
because I care.
Joy I am there today and I care my sister. HUGS!”

I had awoken that morning filled with fear. A series of medical tests had been completed and this was the day the phone should ring and results be shared. The possibility for unwelcomed news had birthed panic, instead of the peace I longed to claim. Anxious. Afraid. Alone.

A notifier on my computer indicated I had mail. The message above greeted me. Tears began to flow.

I first 'met' Diane through a Proverbs 31 Speaker's blog. She and I often left comments on the same site. We shared some mutual friends. I did not know her, but I always enjoyed reading her remarks. They were real...sincere...and frequently made me smile. She had a wonderful sense of humour, and my life had been lacking genuine laughter.

In the summer of 2008 I actually remember seeing her while attending the "She Speaks" conference in North Carolina. With almost 600 women in attendance, something...Someone...drew me to take notice. I heard life had recently been unkind and recognized a soul's emptiness through her eyes. I had often seen that same reflection in my mirror. Lack of courage kept me cocooned and I did not meet her, but her face was sketched on my heart.

Then, in January of 2009, we both embarked on a journey together to read through the Bible in a year. Daily I would leave comments on our facilitator, Wendy Pope's blog, and I'd always check to see if Diane had shared her response to that days reading. She many times would pen my thoughts and I looked forward with anticipation to find her heart revealed. Her authenticity and vulnerability drew me into her life and I longed to know her in a deeper way, but my insecurities kept me from reaching out on a more personal level. I was so afraid of rejection.

I began to pray for her...and I also continued praying for a kindred spirit friend...not knowing that God would intersect those two prayers and knit together one answer.

In March of that same year my world was turned upside down with my dad's unexpected nine-month hospital stay. My faith was tested. I was walking a road of tremendous heartache. Days I felt like I was suffocating in uncertainty and pain. I was questioning God and longing to see His hand restore healing. At times when I thought I couldn't endure another moment, a message would appear on my computer.

“Praying for you Joy,
Hugs”

“Have no regrets, no matter how hard, my friend. God has his hand in the center of your back and he will give you all the strength you need, and then just a bit more.
I am praying and thinking about you,
Hugs”

“You have been in my prayers and in my heart. Standing with you my sister”

I'm ashamed to say I rarely responded to her kind notes at first. I was just so exhausted. So weary. I appreciated her kindness, but blanketed in despair, I felt I had nothing to give, yet she didn't go away. As I look back over all her messages now, almost daily she was pouring into my life. She was a constant amidst the turmoil and the tears. For some unknown reason, she had taken up a burden that was not her own and was holding me up, encouraging me and showering me in love.

Having had friends walk away in my life recently, fear bound me. I couldn't stand the ache of rejection. Not now. My heart couldn't take loving and losing. I was cautious. I longed to respond, but I just couldn't find the strength to trust.

She continued to reach out. She included me in so much of her life. Unable to attend the "She Speaks" conference last summer due to my dad's extended hospitalization, she even took me with her via camera and video. I felt like I was there as I received pictures of my friends and 'talked' across the miles via the Internet. I couldn't fathom such kindness. No-one had ever given me so much.

Return now to a day in January earlier this year, and an invitation for virtual tea. She remembered. She cared. My heart was overwhelmed. Barriers of protection fell. The safe distance I had wanted to maintain disappeared. I was going to risk opening my heart and life.

Late night chats. Skype. Prayers. Tears. E-mails. Even comfortable, contented silence. Slowly I started to realize I had found a safe place. I began to see the blessings in brokenness and the delight found through a path of despair.

One night an honest, innocent statement was shared and all my defenses fell. The strength to resist collapsed. Like a retaining wall destroyed because of one weak crack, a flood of emotion poured forth and "Pandora's Box" was opened. My words were met with understanding. No judgement. No wrongs. No rights. Complete acceptance. As she received my heart without question, held it gently, cried with me, prayed and encouraged, I realized the most amazing gift had been placed in my hands.

I began unwrapping Hope.

Kiwi Anyone?

(The following post was written as an entry for the "She Speaks Scholarship Contest". To read more about the She Speaks Conference, click here.)

I was afraid and went out and hid [my] talent in the ground. (Matthew 25:25)

As the runner dove for home plate, the ball slammed into the catcher's mitt. With a shout of affirmation the umpire hollered, “Safe!”.

Isn't that what we all long to hear? We desire safety almost above all else. We purchase security systems, install locks, buy alarms and firewalls for home, office and computers. We pray safety for our family. We want to live safe little lives, untouched, but sadly unfulfilled.

I don't want to go through life pursuing safety, while missing the Savior.

We are held hostage and paralyzed by the things that frighten us. We need to make personal all that God has made possible, claiming His promises.

Beth Moore has said that we are eating apples and oranges when there is kiwi available. We're like little birds splashing around in a mud puddle on the sidewalk, when there's a large pond just over the hill.

Author Hilary Price writes, “It's time to step out from huddling in the security of the little pool of light at the base of the lamp post, with all of it's limitations, and go on the road with Jesus – what an adventure!”

“She Speaks” is the kiwi, the pond and the adventure!

I have attended the “She Speaks” conference twice in the past. I have chosen safe seminars, shared safe presentations, and sat safely in the back row. I have pursued safe dreams and kept the treasures of my heart locked behind doors of inadequacy, insecurity and fear. What has this pursuit of safety done for me? Left me living a life overflowing with 'should have's' and 'if only's', disappointed in myself for not fully trusting God.

Josie Bissett writes, “Dreams come a size too big so we can grow into them.” Growing isn't safe. It requires stretching and seizing opportunities. God's dreams for me are big, but I have controlled the abundance right out of my life.

Tired of self-preserved living, I'm abandoning my safety in exchange for His security. Security implies such an assurance that there is no need for apprehension. Resting and trusting with full confidence that though life isn't always safe, God always is and He will not fail.

Safety says, “Don't register for the conference. The cost is great.”

Financially that might be true, but the cost on my life if I don't attend is a greater sacrifice. Another year passes. Another regret. Another missed opportunity. I don't know how God will provide, but I know He will.

Safety says, “Don't sign up for speaker evaluation or a meeting with a publisher.”

Failure looms and threatens in both these areas. Voices echo in my head that I am foolish to even consider trying. Failure and pain won't kill me, but meaningless will. A very dear friend encouraged me with this thought: “You can't claim victory if you don't get in the fight.” Again, Beth Moore writes, “Satan is standing on your God-given ground daring you to take possession of it.”

I've existed in safety too long allowing the enemy to claim land that is not his. "She Speaks" is an invitation to occupy my land. I need to take a stand on some broken, parched ground. It's time to live. It's time to allow God to stretch me. It's time to walk in obedience and “'Get your supplies ready... go in and take possession of the land the LORD your God is giving you for your own.' " (Joshua 1:11) Crossing the River of Fear, I'm heading to the Land of Promise.

Safety is completely over-rated. It denies and deprives us of adventures that God longs for us to experience. Adventures in faith. Adventures in living, letting go and leaning on Him.

Afraid, I have buried my talent in the ground, and along with it my dreams and desires.

The Master responds, “That's a terrible way to live! It's criminal to live cautiously like that!” (Matthew 25:26 The Message)

I'm trading my fragile dreams for God's phenomenal realities, trusting in Him to supply.

Standing on sacred ground.

Found at Sea

"Put out into deep waters." (Luke 5:4)

Living on the shore, splashing in puddles, I've been afraid of the deep. Afraid of my feet losing footing. Afraid of the fight and effort required to keep my head above water in deeper depths. Putting out into the deep would render me helpless. What if I dove in and couldn't make it back to land before drowning in a sea of vulnerability, pain and confusion.

"The depth of the water into which we sail depends upon how completely we have cut our ties to the shore, the greatness of our need, and our anxieties about the future."

Shallow seemed safer. Deeper decisions, dangerous.

Letting loose the lines that held me to the past, I've suddenly found myself flailing in unfamiliar waters. Going under, self submerged, His grace washes over me, soaking sorrow, sin and shame. Covered by His love, I long for forgiveness, acceptance and deliverance. Grasping for breath, I struggle, terrified of being exposed, left and abandoned.

Will I drown in billows of humiliation? Can I give myself permission to stop fighting the currents pull and believe Someone will hold me...carry me across to the other side? Can I leave the familiar shore for the foreign unknown? The water seems colder. The wind unfriendly. I panic as I sense the sharks circling, waiting for the opportune moment to strike. I feel my insides torn even without their touch.

Glancing at the faraway horizon, struggling and so very much afraid, lost and lonely, giving up, a life-line is thrown. I am not alone in the ocean. God provided a friend who has charted these waters and sailed similar seas. It will be hard, but I will not be alone.

When the undertow is strong and I want to surrender to it's pull, she encourages, "Keep swimming!" When the way back beckons louder than the call to journey forward, she implores, "Keep swimming!" When the weight of the burden I'm still clenching threatens to pull me under, she helps me open tight-fisted hands and with understanding whispers in my ear, "keep swimming". When the sound of the sea confuses me and panic overtakes, she yells above the chaos, "KEEP SWIMMING". When the waves toss me relentless and I'm battered and bruised by authenticities price, she tenderly cries, "Keep swimming, dear one, keep swimming". When I call for help she holds my hand. With her touch I suddenly notice that she swims beside me as God calms the raging storm in me.

I wish at this point I could share a conversation I had with the dearest of friends Thursday morning. Incredible doesn't begin to describe the journey she took with me. Through a carefully crafted illustration the waves continued to roll, but instead of fighting, we began floating in the Hands of God. She directed my gaze to a boat ahead and the Captain who was waiting for us there. When seen through God's eyes, the waves that were threatening moments before appeared gentle. God was rocking us in the cradle of His hands. His boat was anchored, reliable and dependable. "My darling baby girl, I am not going anywhere."

As I reached to borrow her binoculars to see the boat ahead, she pointed something out to me. I had freely let go of her hand...twice...and I had stopped flailing and kicking against the waves. Why? Because my eyes were back on Jesus. She reminded me that Jesus "provides that never ending anchored strength and calm in the storms of life."

Sometimes we just have to "relax and trust the process".

Thanks Diane. Love ya tons. I discovered I was never lost at sea, but found. His eyes have never left or shifted their gaze from me...not even for a moment. His stare steadfast. Exchanging my weariness for His rest. In floating I am strangely secure.

Leaving

“So Abram left, as the LORD had told him...” Genesis 12:4

Leaving. Not a welcomed walk. Surrendering the comforts of our present 'home' for a fresh abiding. It could be physical, but more often it is emotional. Letting go of the familiar and embracing the foreign. Relinquishing the now for the new. If God is truly my hearts desire, why is that letting go so difficult? Why is it not easy to abandon all else for the pursuit of the Lover of my soul?

Maybe God is opening an opportunity for ministry, yet the steps seem uncertain. Waiting for clearer vision, desiring divine confirmation, we are hesitant to take that next step. The invitation was extended, but direction either way has been unclear. If we believe God is in control of our life, and everything that touches us is first sifted through His hands of allowance, could this not be His request? The Lord frequently uses His children in our lives as counselors and guides. Would this leaving and following bring God glory? Would faith be required and strengthened?

I was thinking about another area of my life where I've been seeking God's direction. I desire so much that a voice from heaven would just boom down in great clarity making my obedience easier. But God is not after ease. As His silence has remained, I'm wondering...is the unsettled feeling His Spirit? Is the longing for change His sign? He gives us the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37:4). Is this desire the planting of the Lord and He is waiting to see if I will surrender something I love for Someone I love? Do I love Him more? Maybe God doesn't always make every decision perfectly clear for the purpose of revealing our heart. In our choosing we show our allegiance as to whether we love the Lord just in word, of if our lives are completely His, willingly following Him anywhere in everything. There's a sacrifice required, yet how can I even begin to compare this giving up with the cost of Christ's sacrifice.

It is only human to want to see before we step out on a new path with God, yet the call alone should evoke the obedience. I like all my “ducks in a row”. When I plan a vacation, before leaving home my itinerary is settled. Hotels booked. Destination planned. Steps of faith don't come that neatly organized. New journey's require leaving behind and facing the uncertain and unknown. Trying to carry the past into my present will weigh heavily and slow down my walk, dragging my feet as I carry the needs from a previous season. God is saying, “Let it go!”

I believe it was Oswald Chambers who wrote that we cannot worry about the positions or people left behind. God is aware of their needs and He will supply for the gap left due to our obedience. Our remaining and refusal to respond to the Lord will only rob another of their opportunity to answer God's call.

What has God been asking of you? Where have you felt that struggle and conflict of interest between you and God? Throw off all that hinders and like Abram, go without knowing all the details. Just take His hand. He will lead you to His Promise Land.

So Joy left, as the LORD had told her...

Then Yesterday

I've been very unsettled lately. God appears to be taking a sabbatical of silence. There's been a void and nothingness that has awakened my heart in search of more while living in my less.

Around me stories circle of 'burning bushes'. God is speaking, calling and directing others, yet though my ears are attentive for His voice, I'm strangely detached.

No voice.

Silence.

God's silence does not go unnoticed. It's deafening in it's absence, while all the while my heart cries for just a whisper.

Friends share how God is working in their lives, fulfilling dreams, designing opportunities and I rejoice with them while wondering what's wrong with me?

I echo Christ's cry, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Matthew 27:46 NIV)

Some days, does it not feel like you are living in a soundproof room?

Yet, as each day is met with silence, I'm learning that instead of faith wavering, it's growing. Without answers, trust grows deeper roots. In the face of darkness, God is still there. I don't need His voice to validate His presence. My walk with God is often more like a series of bars of rest in a musical score, than it is a brilliantly orchestrated overture. Silence is the watering for the flower of faith to grow. Not silence on my part, but on God's. I keep talking to God. I keep expecting and anticipating while accepting. God's love for me is not defined by how many times He has spoken to me. His love was defined once and for all on an old wooden cross. Love reaching and touching beyond the power of words.

My faith is not founded on signs, the sensational, spectacular or superficial. It is founded on a Savior.

"Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believe." John 20:29 (NIV)

God's silence does not indicate abandonment or inactivity. The 400 years that span Malachi to Matthew were silent, yet not quiet. "In fact, the silences of Jesus are as eloquent as His words..."

Seasons of silence need to be endured. Walked through. God's silence can actually act like "a pretty accurate barometer of whether we really have faith in God." (A. Gregory)

Sometimes all I hear is the empty echo of my own voice. Though I know He is a fixed variable, at times He seems more irregular than constant.

Then yesterday.

His purpose was explained.
His presence bathed my quiet time in His Word.
His pleasure gave companionship as I walked.
His peace filled my heart as I shared concerns with a friend.
His plan was opened through an invitation.
His promises rebirthed hope.
His power infused me with excitement.
His pursuit took my breath away.
His pulse beat within my heart.

Then yesterday.

Now today.

I walk it with renewed wonder and knowing.

In the silence, God is here.