Wondering.
When the Lord hears me speaking...is He furious? Do my words flow from a heart of belief? Does the fire of His wrath burn against me because of my lack of trust? Does His anger rise because I do not take Him at His Word? Do I truly believe He will care for me? Do I accept His Word and claim His promises? Despite His wonders displayed in and around me, I still refuse to trust Him.
Trust involves surrendering my concerns and resting in God's provision and promises. Trust requires relinquishing control. Letting go and leaning on the Lord. It's so easy to say I trust God, but where is that faith evidenced in my life?
Is it in the anxiety I have over my own health?
Is it demonstrated in my worry over my parents?
Is it in questioning how finances will fund my Dad's continual care?
Is it in sleepless nights concerned about my husband's job in this economy?
Is it walking seven flights of stairs daily, not for need of exercise, but nervous of elevators?
Is it saying 'no' to opportunities because of personal inadequacies?
Is it in my tight grasp of friends, afraid of lonliness?
Is it in my insecurity that love will last?
Is it in my fear to step outside my comfort zone and follow His dreams for me?
Is it in the over-protection and restriction I place on my son?
Is it in living my life in the "safe zone" and not the "faith zone"?
Lord, You must often be so furious with me. I don't trust You to care for me. Your care doesn't mean that hardships won't hit, but it means You will never leave me or forsake me. Your care is purposeful, to conform me to Your likeness. Trials do not indicate that I have stepped outside Your concern or attention. Trust is determined in the storm. Trust is the peace and assurance that accompanies the crashing waves. Trust is not continually searching the horizon for the next winds to blow.
Trust is still a new dialect for me. One I don't speak well or often. Like any foreign language, it must be practiced to be perfected.
Lord, my heart's desire is to rest in You so completely, that some day I will be able to speak this language fluently.
4 comments:
Joy, how I admire you for being able to be so HONEST! I have so many of the very same fears and phobias that you have and yet I would probably not feel free to post them on my blog for FEAR of being rejected by those who read them! And at the same time I have read yours today and instead of rejection I feel admiration because of your bravery in admission of weakness. What I admire in you, I fear in myself. What kind of a paradox is that??? ha
You're still in my prayers friend!
Marilyn
Dear Heavenly Father thank you for your daughters honesty today. Thank You for a heart that truly is seeking You. For Joy is living out Your word daily. Bring her a peace that only You can bring. We love You Lord and believe You and Your word. Thank You for pursuing Joy and her heart and not letting her settle for what this world has to offer. I pray that You Lord protect her mind, her thoughts and her heart today. Hold her and remind her of her security in You. Thank You for loving on her Father God. Amen
Move over, Joy. I need to get in that boat with you.
Kim
Even though I know He has been angered and disappointed by some of my actions, what brings me to my knees is His grace and compassion.
Thank God for Jesus.
And I love how you point me to HIm, Joy.
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