There are all types of laughter. Belly laugh. Chuckle. Giggle. Side-splitting. Nervous. A few days ago I wrote about a wonderful afternoon of laughter. It was real, sincere and healing. Yet, laughter can so easily be a tool of protection providing a mask, to blanket feelings. It's colourful and amusing, but it also provides a hiding place. Behind the joyful sound of delight is a heart of despair. The music of laughter conceals the misery of a mournful song silenced, and when it's melody is over, grief remains.
Lately the song being orchestrated across my life is one that plays itself out after the laughter is gone. When words can't be found and all the tears have been cried, music expresses the language of my heart. Feelings that can't be shared with anyone else flow and dampen the ivories as pain finds expression. Anger, frustration, confusion and heartache are unlocked. Unspoken words find an avenue of speech. My soul is exposed. Truth is uncovered. The smile is a facade.
Fearing my pain will be discovered, not by you, but me, laughter is helping me live above my now. It's my weapon of defense, shielding my mind from reality, preventing my emotions from dictating my living and sheltering my heart from the sneers of the evil one.
If I truly let my mind hold the accuracy of my current, depression would control. Laughter is but a momentary liberation. It provides a break in the monotony. I'm so thankful to those who find a way inside. They have a gift. Even if the laughter isn't lasting, it's relief and release brings healing.
Yes, grief remains, but for a few minutes I've forgotten it's pain.