Monday, November 16, 2009

Size Small

“Our purpose is to please God, not people. He alone examines the motives of our hearts.” 1 Thessalonians 2:4

It began with excitement. A pure gesture of love. A kind act of friendship to express shared happiness from the heart.

Then a phone call. Words exchanged. Suddenly it felt like the gift being given was part of a competition for acceptance and affection. What was originally intended as a beautiful offering became a contest. I was a player without my knowing and without my consent.

Suddenly my motive changed. Something within me responded. Responded negatively. Insecurity surfaced. I had choices before me. I could follow a couple of paths. My decision would send a message, but now my motives were so wrong. Irritated I became impulsive. Fuelled by confusion, anger, fear and frustration, I had this longing now to “win”. Win a game I didn’t even want to play. Feelings of conniving, manipulation and retaliation surfaced. What had been precious and special was reduced to rivalry. I needed bigger and better.

Fighting envy I tried to back off and walk away, not wanting to be involved in this game, only to find myself a pawn met with a counter-attack and a voice crying, “Queen me”.

Lord, any move I make right now is being interpreted incorrectly. Every word, every action is being judged and analyzed. How did something so lovely turn so ugly? Lord, in my hurt, put a guard on my tongue. Keep me from saying things, that although truthful, arise from a root of revenge. Diffuse the bomb waiting to explode and help me not to waste any more time or energy on this matter. Protect me from overreacting and looking to gather team-mates for my side. May I not fixate on faults, but give grace. Help me not to respond by my mood, but with my mind. Bring every thought captive and bind the evil one from profoundly and destructively influencing my thoughts. May I not be trapped in mental torment and forfeit joy for futile speculations.

“You can tell how big a (woman) really is by the size of the problem it takes to infuriate (her).”

Today I’m feeing pretty small.

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1 comment:

~Grace and Peace said...

And that flesh of ours always manage to come out after we've had a mountaintop experience. We know it. We expect it. But we still don't like it when it happens. What ever would we do without grace? (((HUGS)))