How do we respond to the suffering of others? It is so hard to watch loved ones going through difficult times and feeling so helpless to change their situation. Often, we want to fix whatever caused their pain, but life isn't that simple. Oh, if only we could right every wrong and lift every burden.
King Xerxes has just issued a decree that all Jews must be killed on a single day. Upon hearing this announcement, Mordecai puts on sackcloth and ashes, going into the city as far as the palace gate. His clothing of mourning attracts the attention of Queen Esther's maids and eunuchs. Only a gate is separating them in proximity, but worlds apart in position. Upon hearing of her cousin's distress, she sends clothing to replace the burlap, but he refuses to accept it.
Growing up in my home, I would watch my mom instantly plug the kettle in whenever anyone came to our door with a need. A cup of tea was the cure for everything. Not really, but it represented time to sit together, listen, cry, hug and pray. My mom was also a firm believer that it didn't matter how terrible one was feeling, getting washed and dressed was always beneficial to aid recovery. Regardless of how poorly we felt, apparently "appearing" well was going to help us feel better. That might hold some truth, but when one is struggling in any away, they need more than a change of clothes. A heart covered in sackcloth needs ministry.
Queen Esther reacted similar to many of us. As soon as we hear of a need we want to make everything better, even before we know the details of the concern. We offer clothing to cover the sadness. We hate to see suffering. I know in the past when I have seen a friend in pain, at times I have backed away, not because I don't care, but fear of experiencing the grief they are walking makes me create distance so my life isn't touched by their sorrow, a sorrow I can do absolutely nothing about. It is as if their disease or distress will actually become mine if I get too close.
Just this past week a gal reached out to me seeking suggestions for a mutual friend who is currently enduring suffering upon suffering. She wanted to know what has meant the most to me over the past year as we have walked a journey of uncertainty and pain. In reality she was asking, how can we best minister to those mourning at our gates? From one who has worn sackcloth more than she has wished, I'm going to offer three 'p's'. Practical. Presence. Prayer.
After my husband's cardiac arrest, my next-door neighbour just began cutting our grass. She also came to the door one morning and simply said, "I'm here to take out your garbage." She didn't ask how I needed help; she just began taking care of practical needs. Others dropped off prepared meals to my porch, or ordered online dinners from a favourite restaurant and had them delivered. Again, the question wasn't do you need any food, but will you be home? You see, the time we need help the most, we ask for it the least, but real friends just know. They know that deciding what to have for dinner is too big a decision in the middle of fragile functioning.
The gift of presence is the second way we can minister. Just come and be. Honestly, you don't have to say anything. I think we often hold back from drawing close because we don't know what to say. Here's the answer: you don't have to speak a word. Presence is a comfort. Hurting hearts receive hope from whole ones even in silence.
Thirdly, prayer. Never underestimate the value of prayer. We often speak of praying as if resigning ourselves to accept that it is all we can do. Friends, it is the most we can do! Praying for or with the suffering friend brings such solace as together help from the Comforter is sought. When someone is mourning at our gates, refuse the urge to fix and cover, choosing instead to enter in to their pain and watch the healing begin.
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