How do you react to hearing of a friend's sudden calamity? A calamity is an event that causes great distress. The catastrophe hasn't fallen on you, but something of magnitude has impacted someone you love. There is a unique strength needed to come alongside a dear one walking a very difficult road. For some, the risk of getting involved seems impossible. Fear can be a very real response. Ignorance can be bliss when it protects our hearts from breaking.
Many years ago, I remember hearing of a friend who was diagnosed with breast cancer. As she began to share her journey on social media, I recall how her updates actually frightened me. I was nervous for her, but as she allowed her suffering to find its voice in this public forum, her messages terrified me. Reflecting on all she was going through, I couldn't imagine myself walking out a similar diagnosis. Connecting with this friend brought her pain vividly before me and it was easier to distance myself so I could shield myself from the agony I didn't want to feel or the "what if's" I didn't want to think about. To safeguard my heart and mind, I took a step back instead of running towards her when she needed friends surrounding her the most. I knew what I was doing. I can't excuse my behaviour. It was intentional. I later asked for her forgiveness, which she graciously extended, expressing how she completely understood. Thankfully many of her other friends rallied to her side and ministered to her well.
When someone we love so dearly is desperately in need it can be difficult for those whose lives are close to them as well. Even if we think we have a plan prior to hearing of another's crisis, it can dissolve pretty quickly when facing the reality of our lives interrupted. Sometimes processing the pain takes time. Suffering is such a teacher. It instructs us how to interact with others, and as we grow in learning to express empathy, the next time we hear of a loved one's calamity our immediate response will be more instinctive. We will have developed more emotional fortitude, being changed and empowered to respond with an enriched faith.
I know this to be true because the example shared above became the catalyst for me to never hesitate again. My friend's crisis exposed my heart to me. I wouldn't say I was cold or callus to calamity. I was scared. My own fear of ever hearing I had cancer put a wall up. If I didn't associate with the disease, it might never find me. I've learned that is not true. I've had cancer twice. I didn't escape the very thing that frightened me the most.
One of the questions we want answered more than any other is "Are we safe?" We hear a story like Job's and we wonder what God is going to allow to touch our lives. What if traumatic news knocks on our door? If our personal world is turned upside down, will we be okay? Will there be those who will risk drawing close and investing in our pain? Getting intimate with another's suffering is an investment with great rewards. When we shoulder someone else's burden, a sacred bond is formed. We enter in to their grief, honouring the tragedy that has deeply impacted their life.
Let's not allow fear to prevent us from unwrapping the gift of being God's comfort and stepping closer. Yes, this type of love comes with a cost, but it is our calling as Christ-followers. We don't need to analyze their pain, but learn to empathize. "We don't have to understand someone's pain to make room for it." (Kristen LaValley)
Will we risk making room for the sake of another today?
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